Hair today, gone tomorrow

Ok, people! Just tack a sign on my back that reads "Kelly is an idiot." Can you believe that I thought a brazilian bikini wax was only going to hurt a little more than getting my eyebrows waxed? Correction. Let's have that sign say "Kelly is a FUCKING idiot."

It hurt. A lot. But, no lie... I was laying there as my poor pubes were being ripped from my body, and I was thinking that I couldn't wait to blog about it. I am such a freak. But at least that kept me going, or I might have jumped up and ran out without even finishing. "Yes, hubby, that's what a Brazilian is supposed to look like. Hair's only removed on one side."

I don't even know where to start. Ok, the beginning. I go into the salon and meet a very nice esthetician named Cara. She's bubbly and friendly and informs me that she's done a "zillion" of brazilian waxes before.

"Do they hurt really bad?" I ask. ((Stupid, stupid girl.))

"Well, it's not a picnic. So I won't mind if you scream a little," Cara breezily replies.

((Fuck.))

We go into a small room with a table and Cara explains that I need to take off my shorts and underwear. She mentions that they have disposable underwear that I could put on, but she doesn't like to bother with it because she's going to "see everything anyway, so what's the big deal?"

Cara leaves the room while I pull off my shorts. If I had balls, I'd be experiencing a major case of shrinkage right now because I'm getting scared. I lay on the table and position myself under the sheet, like you would during a massage.

Cara comes back and laughs. "No, girl, you don't get to lie under the sheet. Get on top, because I need to see it all!" So I have to hoist my bare ass out from under the sheet and on top of the table while Cara watches. She doesn't seem fazed, and gets to work, applying oil to my nether regions with her bare hands.

(If only my husband were here, he'd be loving this right now)

I try furiously to forget that this woman is staring at my hoo-ha. To Cara's credit, she explains that it's no big deal and that she does this every day. I wonder how my hoo-ha shapes up compared to all the other ones, but there's no fricking way I would ever ask.

"Okay," Cara says. "Let's bring on the wax!"

The wax feels nice when it's being applied. Nice and warm, soothing. She starts by working on the front. The more intimate spots will come later. The wax only takes a minute to dry and now Cara is ready to pull. "This section on top is going to hurt the most," she warns.

And then, she yanks.

I see stars. My legs clench. And I let loose with a "Fuck! That hurrrrrts!"

It's over fast, but that few seconds of pain is white-hot. I start to relax as the burn subsides, and then I remember. She's only done one strip. And there's a lot of hair left down there.

Cara moves on with the wax. I realize too late that she's applied wax to the entire front of me. Now, I thought that a brazilian wax left a landing strip, like you'd see in Playboy. But I suppose Cara's definition of brazilian was to take it all off, baby. That's right... ALL of it. Brr, it's getting chilly down there.

The next minutes are sort of a blur as Cara applies wax and then rips it off. The worst part is the anticipation... when you know that your poor little innocent hair follicles are about to be torn from their happy home. "Hey, we're just a few poor little pubes trying to make a living down here. Are we really THAT offensive?"

Thankfully, Cara finishes the front, and issues her next order. "Okay, you need to spread your legs. I need to be able to really get in there." Fucking mortifying. But I listen and open up. Then Cara explains why she needs the extra room. She doesn't want to get any hot wax on the "little man in the boat." Neither do I, Cara. Neither do I.

This experience between my legs is no less pleasurable than the front had been. The only blessing was that there was a little less area to cover, and that meant fewer rips and less moaning from me. But we weren't done yet.

"You have a choice, now," Cara explains. "We need to get inside your butt cheeks so you can either get on all fours, or pull your legs back over your head so I can spread 'em."

Since I only do doggystyle for my husband (and I actually told Cara that) I opted to pull my legs back over my head. This was not my most stellar moment, kids. It's not possible to do this with much grace. Then I learn that Cara is going to apply the hot wax along the insides of my butt cheeks and over the hole. You know what hole. Meanwhile, I can't stop the chant running through my head, all sing-song-like: You're a fucking idiot... you're a fucking idiot...

Surprisingly, the ass is less sensitive than the other parts. Although it wasn't a picnic, I didn't even whimper during that part. And then... praise Jeebus and Hallelujah! It was OVER. I got to put my legs down. And pants! I got to cover up my vah jay jay again! And I got to fork over 60 bucks for 45 minutes of torture! Yay!

So you ask: Am I happy with the results? Yes. Would I do it again? Now that I know how it feels, I just can't say. Maybe when it starts to grow again in a few weeks I will have a better idea.

Oh, and will I show you a picture of the final product? What, are you freaking crazy? Perverts.

Feeling a little "airy" down there

Hi friends!

Busy at work today, and there's definitely not enough time to write about the stellar 45 minutes I spent at the spa/salon yesterday.

Until I get a chance to post a full account of the adventure, here's a brief recap of the experience.

Ouch.

Owwwwwwwww.

Holy Jeebus, that hurt.

More to come later.

Sincerely,
Your fearless, hairless blogger.

Blogging is so self centered

Hola. I'm totally going to have some great blogging ahead. Not right now, but soon. Know why?

I am getting a Brazilian bikini wax this afternoon.

That's right, say goodbye to the bush. Yea, I said it. I've always just shaved to get the desired effect, but I get so tired of having to keep up with it. Plus? Itchy. So bring on the wax! I am ready! Slather my privates with hot wax and go for it! I'm not scared!

(oh crap. why am i going to pay $60 for hot molten torture?)

Until such time as I can extrapolate on the great adventure that's about to take place in my crotch, how about a meme? Yes, a meme will provide a nice distraction.

(do you know how many hairs are down there? they'll be ripped out one by one. gah. must.stop.thinking.about.this.)

Okay, now for a meme ripped from Rockstar Mommy. (no pun intended. Aw, who am I kidding? Of course it was intended!)

What I've Been Obsessed With in My Life

Toddlerhood (up to 5 years old)

• Cherries. Like the maraschino kind. My PopPop would buy huge gallon jars of them for me, and there were many pictures taken of me with my whol arm inside the cherry jar.
• Riding horses. I started riding when I was three years old. Our whole family had horses, and I was riding on long trail rides from a really young age. I won a bunch of trophies for being the youngest rider in a lot of horse events.
• My pets. I've always been an animal lover.
• Disney movies. Had every Disney video known to man. Memorized them. Can still recite lines from them. Ariel (the Little Mermaid) rules. Don't challenge me on this or you will be hurt.

Childhood (age 5 to 9)

• Training/showing dogs. Started when I was six, and we went all over the place to show my dog. I was the youngest kid ever to win dog show titles in the American Kennel Club. It was so much fun that I still show today. Re-reading this one makes me sound like a dork. But it is what it is.
• Stealing pencils and art supplies. I was a little klepto in second grade. Got busted a bunch of times for taking other kids stuff. What was wrong with me?? :)
• Beating up my little sister. She was a pain in the ass, okay?
• Reading. I would read everywhere. At dinner, while I walked, in the bathtub.

Pre-Teen (9 to 12)

• Michael Jackson. God, he used to be so cool. Went to his concert. Was amazing.
• New Kids on the Block. Look, everyone liked them. So sue me! p.s. Jon, I still love you. Even if you might be gay like your brother. I heart U 4eva.
• My weight. I got really chubby in middle school. Kids were so fracking nasty. I can still remember their taunting. It made me very uncomfortable with being in social situations, and sometimes I still think I am scarred from it.
• 4-H. It was so much fun, made a lot of lasting friends.

Early Teens (13-16)

• Losing weight. I lost weight the summer before 9th grade and it was great to go back to school.
• Boys. See above. Got lots of attention. Positive attention, which I wasn't used to.
• First serious boyfriend. Dated for 2 years, starting when I was 15.
• Theater/singing. My big extracurricular activity. I did so many shows!
• 4-H. Still doing this, showing the dogs/horses/etc. Just call me dorkus.

Late Teens (16-20)

• College. I was a dork and got great grades, even though it didn't matter.
• Partying. Yay college!
• Another serious boyfriend. Who would later become my husband.
• Sex. What? It was fun!
• Scholarship pageants. Started competing in Miss Maryland, to win money to pay for college. I finally won was I was 21.

Early 20's to Present Day:

• My family.
• Getting a job in television.
• Getting married. Loved wedding planning.
• My house. It's my new obsession, along with:
• Babies. I don't know if I am totally ready to have kids, but instinct is kicking in.
• Reading. Still love it, still do it whenever I can.
• Howard Stern. Hil.ar.i.ous.
• Blogging!
• The internet! I am obsessed!
• Shopping for great clothes/shoes. Cuz I can finally afford them!

I could keep going but I need to take a shower. Gotta be fresh for the appointment this afternoon. Damn, I hadn't even thought that this is going to require me to be naked and spread my butt cheeks for a stranger.

I'll leave you with that thought for now. Sorry!

The unveiling

I don't know about you, but sometimes I love being a homeowner, and other times I think it sucks. I really enjoy special home projects... when they are finished. But given my proclivity for laziness, I just wish I had enough money to hire someone to just do it all for me!

This brings me to the long-awaited reveal of the Great Backyard Overhaul of 2006. Although we have a pretty sizeable yard, it was pretty plain until last summer, when we finally put in a vinyl fence for the dogs. But what we really needed was a patio... a deck... SOMETHING!

You see, we built our house, brand new, in 2004. Because most builders don't include decks or patios in the standard package, this is what we had:

Just a whole lot of sparse grass (another beef I have with the builder, but I can't get started on that rant right now) and a ghetto looking set of wood steps fashioned by my husband, so the dogs could get outside. Not exactly Better Homes and Gardens, I think.

So we decided to bite the bullet and get a patio. You probably remember my previous rant about installing a stamped concrete patio... and my inability to make ANY DECISION whatsoever related to its design or color. (Actually, thats what you can see in the grass in that pic above... that's me trying to figure out what shape we should make the damn patio).

Anyway, I finally made some decisions (or maybe it was just Jason and the salesman who decided... whatever) and the project got underway. Here's the point where they formed the shape of the patio and were about to pour the concrete. Also the point where I got a headache and nearly panicked about the finality of it all.

But lo and behold, I loved it! So much that I couldn't wait to go out and spend EVEN MORE money and start landscaping around this new centerpiece of the backyard. We could have hired someone to do this for us, but we just couldn't justify spending thousands of dollars on something we could do ourselves.
So, enter endless days of back-breaking labor... scooping and spreading topsoil and mulch, planting trees and plants. And I even bought a patio set that I put together all by myself, thank-you-very-much. In the end... our own little backyard paradise.

Here's a closer look at the patio and landscaping (and Jason's baby, otherwise known as the grill). That odd looking tree is a Weeping Atlas Cypress... it's pretty cool.

Here you can see our new Japanese Snowbell tree, the patio furniture, and some of the fence, too!

Overall, a lot of work, but we are loving it! Yay for grillin' on the patio in the summertime! Hope you all are having a great summer, too!

I could kill my father... but the smoking will get him first.

Last night I drove 2 hours from work in Harrisburg down to Baltimore to be with my dad in an emergency room. He was taken there when he experienced chest pains at work. My dad is not even 52 yet, but he suffered his first heart attack at 40. He has a bad history of heart disease in his family, and has 2 stents keeping his arteries open.

Oh, yes, and he still smokes.

I adore my father, but in this area, he is the stupidest person I know. (Although I just typed the word "stupidest" which probably qualifies me as being stupid too.)

Dad has been warned by his doctors. He's been diagnosed with pre-emphysema. He sometimes wheezes when he breathes. And he's been begged by his children. But he still continues to smoke.

The good news is that he did not have a heart attack yesterday. The doctors say he just suffered some cramping due to stress and working outside in the heat, combined with dehydration. Oddly enough, this is almost bad news to me. I keep hoping that something will happen that makes a lightbulb pop on in his head. "Holy shit. If I keep up this smoking, I WILL DIE." This little reprieve will just support his opinion that he can still smoke and medical science will keep him going.

Last night I took his cigs and ripped them into little pieces right in front of him. But I'm no fool. I know he can go right back out and buy a new pack. He says he knows he needs to quit, but I fear this addiction will prove too strong.

And if he never beats this demon... what happens then? Best case: My daddy will still be around to meet his future grandkids, but he'll probably be toting around an oxygen tank. Worst case: I'll have to tell my children all about the granddad they never knew. The man who loved his daughters more than life itself, but couldn't do the one thing that would mean the most to them.

Please stop, Daddy. Please.

So I lied...

I said my next entry would be about the landscaping project. But I am sorta busy at work today and don't have time to devote to that whole thing. (Damn work always has to get in the way!) Sorry, darlings, you'll have to wait for it.

So instead, I'll piggyback on Meg.

Here are my Thursday 13... my 13 favorite foods!

1. Pasta
2. Lipton chicken noodle soup
3. Steak from Ruth's Chris Steakhouse.
4. Stuffing
5. Lobster
6. Homemade lasagna
7. Pumpkin pie
8. Tacos
9. Sushi
10. Fried rice
11. Pickles (I ate a whole jar yesterday)
12. Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream
13. Pit beef

Holy shit I am so hungry now.

Why can't life just be a long vacation?

I've been back home from my recent beach trip to Atlantic City, New Jersey since last Thursday, and I miss it. I miss the relaxation and zero committments to anybody. The day was one long exercise in chilling out. And now I am home and back to work. I know, I know... WAAAAH. Kelly's gotta get off her lazy ass and work a little. WAAAH.

But it was so much fun. Check out the evidence of our sweet getaway:















Here I am on the beach. Ahhhhh. And sorry kids, you're only gonna get a shot of the top half of my body. Cuz while big boobies are great, a big tummy and ass just ain't gonna cut it. I'm playing to my assets, here.

















Ah yes. Above you can see my husband, otherwise known as the bronzed god who tans in about ten seconds flat. He's giving his sexiest squint to the camera.

















Of course, you get hot and thirsty on the beach. And as luck would have it, we were laying within 30 feet of a nice little bikini beach bar. Yummy beach drinks. Alcohol, heat, and dehydration. Can't beat that combination.
















And then we cleaned up and headed out to gamble. This pic of us is from the Borgata... the most gorgeous hotel and casino in Atlantic City. I just learned how to play blackjack and we were at the tables for hours. So.much.fun. Am now very.very.poor!

Up next.... pictures of our backyard after our recent landscaping venture. I'll show ya our new patio and all the backbreaking gardening I've been doing!

back from the beach!

Hey y'all...

Sorry I haven't been updating much lately. We got away for a vacation over the Fourth of July and I was too lazy to post before I left!

Anyway, I am back now and I'll update with some beach pics soon!

Had a great time, except that we went to Atlantic City, NJ, where the casinos got shut down this week... you might have heard about it on the news. Just my luck! :)

I promise to blog again soon!