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Thursday, July 27, 2006
Hair today, gone tomorrow

Ok, people! Just tack a sign on my back that reads "Kelly is an idiot." Can you believe that I thought a brazilian bikini wax was only going to hurt a little more than getting my eyebrows waxed? Correction. Let's have that sign say "Kelly is a FUCKING idiot."

It hurt. A lot. But, no lie... I was laying there as my poor pubes were being ripped from my body, and I was thinking that I couldn't wait to blog about it. I am such a freak. But at least that kept me going, or I might have jumped up and ran out without even finishing. "Yes, hubby, that's what a Brazilian is supposed to look like. Hair's only removed on one side."

I don't even know where to start. Ok, the beginning. I go into the salon and meet a very nice esthetician named Cara. She's bubbly and friendly and informs me that she's done a "zillion" of brazilian waxes before.

"Do they hurt really bad?" I ask. ((Stupid, stupid girl.))

"Well, it's not a picnic. So I won't mind if you scream a little," Cara breezily replies.

((Fuck.))

We go into a small room with a table and Cara explains that I need to take off my shorts and underwear. She mentions that they have disposable underwear that I could put on, but she doesn't like to bother with it because she's going to "see everything anyway, so what's the big deal?"

Cara leaves the room while I pull off my shorts. If I had balls, I'd be experiencing a major case of shrinkage right now because I'm getting scared. I lay on the table and position myself under the sheet, like you would during a massage.

Cara comes back and laughs. "No, girl, you don't get to lie under the sheet. Get on top, because I need to see it all!" So I have to hoist my bare ass out from under the sheet and on top of the table while Cara watches. She doesn't seem fazed, and gets to work, applying oil to my nether regions with her bare hands.

(If only my husband were here, he'd be loving this right now)

I try furiously to forget that this woman is staring at my hoo-ha. To Cara's credit, she explains that it's no big deal and that she does this every day. I wonder how my hoo-ha shapes up compared to all the other ones, but there's no fricking way I would ever ask.

"Okay," Cara says. "Let's bring on the wax!"

The wax feels nice when it's being applied. Nice and warm, soothing. She starts by working on the front. The more intimate spots will come later. The wax only takes a minute to dry and now Cara is ready to pull. "This section on top is going to hurt the most," she warns.

And then, she yanks.

I see stars. My legs clench. And I let loose with a "Fuck! That hurrrrrts!"

It's over fast, but that few seconds of pain is white-hot. I start to relax as the burn subsides, and then I remember. She's only done one strip. And there's a lot of hair left down there.

Cara moves on with the wax. I realize too late that she's applied wax to the entire front of me. Now, I thought that a brazilian wax left a landing strip, like you'd see in Playboy. But I suppose Cara's definition of brazilian was to take it all off, baby. That's right... ALL of it. Brr, it's getting chilly down there.

The next minutes are sort of a blur as Cara applies wax and then rips it off. The worst part is the anticipation... when you know that your poor little innocent hair follicles are about to be torn from their happy home. "Hey, we're just a few poor little pubes trying to make a living down here. Are we really THAT offensive?"

Thankfully, Cara finishes the front, and issues her next order. "Okay, you need to spread your legs. I need to be able to really get in there." Fucking mortifying. But I listen and open up. Then Cara explains why she needs the extra room. She doesn't want to get any hot wax on the "little man in the boat." Neither do I, Cara. Neither do I.

This experience between my legs is no less pleasurable than the front had been. The only blessing was that there was a little less area to cover, and that meant fewer rips and less moaning from me. But we weren't done yet.

"You have a choice, now," Cara explains. "We need to get inside your butt cheeks so you can either get on all fours, or pull your legs back over your head so I can spread 'em."

Since I only do doggystyle for my husband (and I actually told Cara that) I opted to pull my legs back over my head. This was not my most stellar moment, kids. It's not possible to do this with much grace. Then I learn that Cara is going to apply the hot wax along the insides of my butt cheeks and over the hole. You know what hole. Meanwhile, I can't stop the chant running through my head, all sing-song-like: You're a fucking idiot... you're a fucking idiot...

Surprisingly, the ass is less sensitive than the other parts. Although it wasn't a picnic, I didn't even whimper during that part. And then... praise Jeebus and Hallelujah! It was OVER. I got to put my legs down. And pants! I got to cover up my vah jay jay again! And I got to fork over 60 bucks for 45 minutes of torture! Yay!

So you ask: Am I happy with the results? Yes. Would I do it again? Now that I know how it feels, I just can't say. Maybe when it starts to grow again in a few weeks I will have a better idea.

Oh, and will I show you a picture of the final product? What, are you freaking crazy? Perverts.


27 Comments:

Blogger kalipornia said...

holy heck. thanks for this i had always wondered.

witty and matter-of-fact. thanks.

Blogger Nikki said...

Holy hell that sounds terrifying...but I'm still tempted to try it for myself.

Blogger KellyF said...

I know, Nikki. Crazy as it sounds, I can't say I wouldn't try it again. (But I have a proven track record of stupidity!)

Blogger RSM said...

I want one but I'm so chickenshit.

PS - A brazilian is an all over ;)

Blogger Silly Hily said...

Bwaaa-haaa-haaaaaaaaa! Oh my fucking gosh I WISH you could see how hard I laughed while reading that. Hey, if nothing else, that thing made for one hell of a post!
Dude, Cara flat out told you it was going to hurt. That's when you run. Run like hell. Run for your life! Save yourself.
I will say this, you should have no problem with child birth after going through this b/c at least you can get an epidural for that.
Now I'm starting to laugh again at the though of you having to hike your legs up over your head so Cara could "spread 'em."
OH shit!
Can I please link to this on my blog? Please!

Blogger KellyF said...

Sure, Hilary, go ahead and link! And you know what, it's funny you mention childbirth. Because now I am so scared. I can't bear with the pain of a little waxing... waaahhh. How about pushing out a child? I'm doomed!

You are a brave woman. Any interest I may have had in attempting this has now been quelled.

I think all women need a handbook of every type of 'beauty procedure' imaginable explained to us step-by-step with humor, openness and honesty like this post! :-)

Blogger janet said...

ahh I am so proud. And also happy that you were explicit. Because now at least we women know what doom we are facing when we sign up.

For what it's worth, I've heard the first one hurts the most and after that they get less painful.

Blogger desiree said...

Yes, I am sorry, the brazillian is the WHOLE THING to my understanding.

This is a very good post because it addresses the situation with honesty. Even stupid cosmo wouldn't have explained the doggy style/legs over head issue much less refer to the danger of getting wax on the little man in the canoe.

Someday when I have money I may still get this done just to say I did it. Of course, I can be extremely stupid too.

Blogger jessica said...

Great Post!

I got waxed right before my wedding (NOT brazilian though) and I swore up and down that I would never do it again because holy hell, THE PAIN. But ever since then I have religiously gotten waxed. The pain does get less, although I think the comfort level will always be low. And I say that never having "spread 'em" before, I definitly don't have the courage for that.

Blogger Lizzy in the City said...

I found you through Hilary...and good gravy. My fate is sealed. I'd rather be a hairy beast.
I actually had nearly grown a pair and gone in for a wax myself. Foturnately, my lady didn't do the hair down there. And she says to me "You no want. Is painful." I said, "Bah! I endured 20 hours of labor, 3 hours of pushing, and a C-section. A wax should be cake!" She says, "Dah, is painful. You shave."

Blogger Erika said...

FORTY FIVE MINUTES?! HOLY HELL! I have always wondered what it's like, thank you for the report. Or I should say...no thank you. How mortifying. It sounds worse than childbirth in the modesty area.

Blogger HollowSquirrel said...

ok, thanks. For ever if I feel the need to try this, I will bookmark this post. It cannot possibly be worth it. Lord.

Blogger Isabel said...

I have been doing this for years...and I LOVE it. The pain is only temporary and the results are totally worth it. Totally!

I was also surprised that the back part didn't hurt as much. Very surprised. But also happy, because I had had enough pain.

And get this...I kept it up my entire pregnancy. So picture all of this, but with my huge 9 months pregnant belly. (I just kept thinking that my doctor was going to thank me for it during labor.)

Also, being pregnant heightens the pain. Just letting you know.

(oh, it won't hurt so much next time. I promise!)

Blogger Fresh Mommy said...

'Tis the season for waxing! I was thinking about the same thing this week (actually, I was thinking of how badly I need one!). The one time I (accidentally) got a Brazillian, it was downright gynecological. Why not do a pap smear, too, while you're down there?! ;-)

Blogger Julie said...

Oh.My.Heck. OUCH! I kept reading about your wax story so I finally came to find it. And man was it worth it. I am linkin' to you for sure! I think every woman needs to read this. Such honesty! I do appreciate it.

You are so much braver than I am. Let us know when you go back for the next one. You know you will.

Blogger Debs said...

You brave woman. I could never have that done. Kudos to you!!! :)

Blogger Karmyn R said...

Wow - saw a link to this, so read it -

I've always wondered what it entailed, and now I'm running with my tail between my legs. NO thank you!! I won't be doing it.

Blogger Pamela said...

I haven't read the other comments... but my first thought was the torture you will go through when it all starts growing back.

Blogger M J said...

That was absolutely fabulous! Not the pain mind you, but the story.

Julie sent me over... I didn't realize I would fall over laughing... hehe.

I was debating it but I may have to stick with Nair now. I'm scared.

Blogger Tiggerlane said...

Hysterical! And completely akin to my experience in this area...I think the pain (as I was just telling some other ladies today) is as close as a woman might get to the feeling of being kicked in the balls. The pain is white-hot...

Luckily, I never had the brazilian - just the landing strip variety.

Thanks for the laugh!!

Blogger Swampwitch said...

O-U-C-H !@*%#@! Was sent here by Julie...not sure I can stand and walk away from my computer...your story almost made me feel like I was having the wax...well, not quite... great story and thanks for sharing...in response to Desiree's comment: I wouldn't try this if I had all the money in the world.

Blogger bon said...

Holy SMOKES! For some reason, I had envisioned the, mmm... butt cheeks as hurting worse. Comforting to know that if for some reason I lose my sanity and go for "Brazil" the back forty will not be as hurty.

Blogger Beccy said...

Wow, that was so funny. for me to read though not for you to endure!

Anonymous Jenny said...

Oh my God.

You are my hero, you stupid, stupid girl.

Anonymous Vicki said...

^Yes What Jenny Said.

That is CRAZY funny!!

I came here via Julie. She's right. This was a great post.

Anonymous Kelly said...

I'm very sorry you had such a bad experience. It does hurt a little, no way to avoid that, but there are a few things that could have been better had you found a better trained "waxing therapist" as we are now being called.
I'm brazilian and was trained in Brazil on full body waxing. She should have used gloves, to protect you AND herself. There is absolutely NO need to get into weird positions, even when it comes time to do the butt. Read some of the testimonials from my clients, it will probably make you feel "smart" that you decided to have a brazilian wax, you were just not lucky enough to find a better Esthetician.
I'm Kelly, from Body Waxing By Kelly in MA.
Thanks for sharing your story.

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