Love letter

Dear Baby Boy,

It seems like yesterday that I stared at that pregnancy test in shock. I'd taken pregnancy tests before, but they never showed two pink lines. I honestly wasn't expecting to see those double lines when I glanced at this test, but there they were. There YOU were. Or at least, there was my knowledge that you existed. Sure, you might have been microscopic at that early stage, but you were there, and there was no denying that my life was about to change dramatically because of you.

The ensuing months have brought many changes to my life. Some that I expected, some that I didn't. I never knew how anxious I would be about losing you early in my pregnancy. I rented one of those dopplers that lets you hear a baby's heartbeat, and I used it obsessively. The day was always better when I could begin with the tiny "thump thump thump" of your heart. Your daddy used to make fun of me for using the doppler so much, but he would wait anxiously, too, as I tried to find your little heartbeat.

Those first few months had their ups and downs. I enjoyed the fact that not too many people knew about you. You were a delicious little secret for your daddy and me. The only other people who knew were our inner circle of our parents, siblings, and grandparents, and they were thrilled to learn that you were on your way.

In hindsight, I am so glad that we shared the news with our grandparents. You see, when I was just 11 weeks pregnant with you, my grandmother (your great-grandma) died suddenly of a heart attack. It was heartbreaking for me, because we were so close and she was so very excited about you. You would have been her first great-grandchild, and she couldn't wait for you to arrive. I'm still so sad that you will never be able to meet her, and she you. But you should know that you were loved by so many people, even when you were just a tiny little being.

We found out that you were a boy, when I was about halfway through my pregnancy. I wasn't shocked, because there are lots of boys on your daddy's side of the family. I have to admit that I was a little scared at first. I mean, I don't know much about boys, and don't you guys like dirt and bugs and snakes? Your mommy really isn't into that sort of stuff. But then I started hearing stories from other moms, who said their relationships with their little boys are fantastic, and that nothing can compare to the love between a mommy and her boy. I realized that dirt and bugs and snakes might actually be FUN, as long as I'm hanging out with you. So, please know, little boy, that you're exactly what I never knew I wanted.

Feeling you move in my tummy was so amazing. Those first little flutters were my first real clue that there really was a reason that my belly was growing! But those first flickering movements couldn't have prepared me for what I feel now. You've grown so big and strong, and now Daddy and I watch my belly and laugh, as you make it lurch from one side to the other. You're obviously getting tired of the cramped quarters in there. You're a very predictable boy, and you like to stay in pretty much the same position all the time while you wiggle from head to toe. Speaking of those toes... you like to stretch them out, resulting in a big lump on my right side. When I touch that spot, you'll pull your feet back and then kick at me, as if to say, "let me stretch!"

Your Daddy is having fun with you now, as you respond when he presses or touches my stomach. He talks to you and tells you all the fun things you'll do together. You should know that your Dad already loves you very much, and he's already worried about being the best father he can be. You'll love him... I know I do. You're very lucky to have him as your daddy.

We only have a few more weeks to go until we get to officially meet for the first time. On one hand, those days are really dragging, and I'm getting impatient. Not to mention, I am very tired lately... apparently growing boys really sap a lot of energy from their mamas! But I'm also aware that these next couple of weeks will fly by, and soon you'll be here. I think I'll miss carrying you in my belly, but I know I'll always carry you in my heart.

We still don't know what your name will be. We had a short list of ideas for what to call you, but we're woefully inadequate at committing to one of them. In fact, we are moving in the wrong direction right now, and expanding that list instead of narrowing things down. I'm sorry we can't tell you yet what your name will be, but we think we'll have a better idea once we can meet you and see who you really are.

I'm so excited to see you, and hold you, and to see who you look like. Will you have my eyes? Your daddy's nose? My smile? Daddy's ears? Soon, the mystery that is you will be revealed to us, and we'll get to start a new journey together. I can't wait to begin.

Until then, keep growing big (well, not too big, please, for mommy's sake!) and strong. We'll see you soon. You'll know who we are.... I'll be the woman grinning from ear to ear, reaching out to snuggle you and give you your first kiss. Your daddy will be the teary-eyed guy, probably with a camera, with a shocked but proud look on his face. We're your parents, and we can't wait to meet you.

Love,
your mama