Lilypie1st Birthday Ticker
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Coming up for air
I'll start this post by high fiving all of you moms out there who manage to update your blogs at least every couple of days. I bow down to you with the utmost respect and also pose a question... how the hell do you do it? I feel so bad about not updating my blog, but this tiny little person in my life has made even weekly updates impossible for me lately!

Aiden says: Yo, mom... get off the computer and come here. I have crap in my pants and need a boob to suck on!

And also: Oh, is that what your face looks like? Like most guys, I'm usually too occupied staring at your chest to make eye contact!

I'm hopeful that I'll be able to start writing here more regularly and also catching up on your blogs, too... we're finally getting on a schedule and I think I'm adjusting to my new role as Mommy. Right now the little prince is sleeping in his bouncy seat next to me as I type. Now the hard part is figuring out what to write, instead of just staring at his adorable little face!

I'm definitely feeling more like myself now than I was at first. I never figured that I'd be hit by the "baby blues" but it happened. The first week home with Aiden, and some of the second week too, was really difficult. I just felt so overwhelmed and shocked by all we went through, all of the sudden changes in our life, and oh yeah, the sleep deprivation. The part that really made it bad was breastfeeding. Aiden was eating so often that I felt like he was permanently attached to my chest, and it was my burden alone. No one else could help when he woke up hungry numerous times overnight. Plus, it was hard to just get the hang of it, and damn, did my nipples hurt!

Pretty much that whole first week, I would cry at the drop of a hat. I remember tearfully telling Jason that although I loved Aiden, I felt guilty that maybe I didn't love him enough. That was because I thought I was supposed to be totally filled with love and sunshine and butterflies. I didn't expect for that tiny voice to creep into my mind that said, "Oh my god... now that we've had this baby, our lives have changed forever. What have we done!" I admit it, I mourned a little bit for our previously carefree lives. I didn't expect that I would curse in the middle of the night when the baby demanded to eat again, just 30 minutes after a feeding. All of that made me question, "Am I am awful mother? What's wrong with me? Why don't I just smile and love every minute of this?"

Finally, I realized. I love my baby, but I don't love every minute of the hard work that goes along with caring for an infant. And THAT IS OKAY! It doesn't mean I adore Aiden any less. But it does mean that I need to ask people for help sometimes, give myself a break, and take care of me, too. Realizing that has been the key to me coming out of that baby blues fog and truly enjoying my first weeks as a mom.

Something else that's helping is my sweet little angel baby. Aiden's learned the difference between day and night! He spends tons of time awake and alert during the day, but at night, he passes out. We have a routine of bathtime and feeding at night, and he generally falls asleep for 4 hours straight after that. Then he'll wake up, eat again, and usually give me another 3 hours or so to sleep. That definitely helps me feel more human! :)

Anyway, things are going great now. Aiden is growing more every day and his little personality is really developing! He loves to look at toys and play in his activity gym. He coos and smiles (and I don't think all of the smiles are from gas)! According to my bathroom scale, he weighs 10 pounds and he's getting these adorable rolls on his chin and thighs! I can't believe he'll be 4 weeks old this Friday... the time is flying!


Blogger AnnieM said...

I lurk here a lot! You are 105% normal for having those feelings. Being a mom unfortunately isn't all about butterflies and rainbows but also sleepless nights, crying babies and poopy pants. But, if given the chance to go back to the life before babies, would I do it? Not for a gazillion dollars.

Those babies. They take your heart and run with it!

Another thing that helped me get through the constant nursing days was telling myself, "how cool is it that I am providing everything this baby needs? It's pretty damn cool."

Blogger CPA Mom said...

Don't worry about updating. You're adjusting to a big lifestyle change. I'm just glad to see pictures once in a while. You are a great mom and your baby is beautiful.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are SO normal with the way you felt the first weeks. Hell, Morgan's 17 months old and I STILL feel that way now and then. I love her more than anything, but sometimes...I have a pity party for myself and whine that I miss my "old" life. I wouldn't go back for anything, though.

I didn't nurse, so I can't offer any assvice here. Sorry :(

As for updating--some things just become not as important. Eventually, you'll be into a nice routine and everything falls into place. For now? When he's sleeping or content somewhere, that's your time to eat, shower, sleep, or just BE.

You're doing awesome, Kel!! Aiden is so gorgeous :)

Blogger Melissa said...

I think way more moms go through this than not. Every part of it is hard... your own physical recovery and emotional adjustment, the change in your relationship with your husband, and of course being 100% responsible for the needs of this sweet new little critter. :) It's just HARD, even with the most angelic baby. Just when you have one routine down, things will change. But you love him and you are doing GREAT, and it won't be long before you see the return for all your hard work: he'll keep growing and start smiling and show his love for you, which makes it all worthwhile.

Hang in there, you have SO MUCH to look forward to!!! :)

Blogger Rachel said...

It is so unbelieveably normal to feel that way! Having a baby is a HUGE change. Breastfeeding is hard work too! But, it so worth it when they smile at you and laugh!

Don't worry about updating. Enjoy this time you have with Aiden! They're only little once!

Anonymous alyndabear said...

Oh Kelly, he's just gorgeous - loving the photo captions, haha.

You're doing an awesome job, it's got to be a daunting task! Keep it up, momma. ;)

Blogger L Sass said...

He's so adorable!!!!!

I'm glad that you're getting a handle on all the changes that having a new baby brings! Go easy on yourself. :) As long as you don't kill him, you're okay.

Blogger Lizarita said...

It takes time to get used to things huh? And your feelings? All the mommas out here have been there!

Blogger AnnaBana said...

That is SO well said! That's the part of motherhood that people don't talk about because they dont' want to sound unloving. Not that you have time to read, but "Sippy cups are not for Chardonnay" talks about that same thing. And this is a hard time, too. It does get a little easier as soon as they get on a nap schedule...

Blogger Jennifer said...

you are so totally normal for feeling that way! I thought the same thing, that I would constantly be happy and floating in this world of butterflies and sunshine. HA! Not so much :) But I do love my baby, even when it physically HURTS to get up and feed her in the middle of the night. And I found breastfeeding extremely isolating, so you're not alone there either. It's not an easy thing.

And hooray for babies figuring out day and night! Just wait until he sleeps through the night for the first time- I gave Maggie a HUGE kiss that morning (she hasn't done it again... so maybe she's afraid of getting another kiss? hehe)

Blogger janet said...

it's good to hear from you. hoping things get better as they get more normal. Alison (your birth twin) and I were just talking about the same thing today, so you are definitely not alone! :)

Blogger Lucky Gem said...

Ditto everything. I felt bad for not feeling on top of the world. A few days after we came home from the hospital, I broke down in the shower. I was afraid of all the changes. I started wondering if I made the right decision.
Trust me, one day you will look at that little fellow and realize how much you love him.
Be forewarned, get ready to worry all.the.time about him.

Blogger Silly Hily said...

I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said. This was a great post and oh so true. Those first two weeks are super duper hard. I dare you to find a woman who didn't cry at least once during those first two weeks. When you are literally feeling 101 emotions at one time? I mean, what do you do with that?
With every week that passes though, it will get easier and easier. You are doing GREAT! Hang in there girl. I mean, look, you are already 4 weeks into this mothering thing. 4 weeks? Really? When did that happen?
Last thing...he's adorable!

Blogger Alison said...

I have to admit that breastfeeding is not as, ummmm, cool as I thought it would be. It hurts, it takes all lots of time, it's hard to do in public, and it makes me feel like my body is still not my own. And I was so looking forward to having my body back after pregnancy! But I'm trying to be tough becuase I know how good it is for my little peanut!

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