Coming up for air

I'll start this post by high fiving all of you moms out there who manage to update your blogs at least every couple of days. I bow down to you with the utmost respect and also pose a question... how the hell do you do it? I feel so bad about not updating my blog, but this tiny little person in my life has made even weekly updates impossible for me lately!

Aiden says: Yo, mom... get off the computer and come here. I have crap in my pants and need a boob to suck on!

And also: Oh, is that what your face looks like? Like most guys, I'm usually too occupied staring at your chest to make eye contact!

I'm hopeful that I'll be able to start writing here more regularly and also catching up on your blogs, too... we're finally getting on a schedule and I think I'm adjusting to my new role as Mommy. Right now the little prince is sleeping in his bouncy seat next to me as I type. Now the hard part is figuring out what to write, instead of just staring at his adorable little face!

I'm definitely feeling more like myself now than I was at first. I never figured that I'd be hit by the "baby blues" but it happened. The first week home with Aiden, and some of the second week too, was really difficult. I just felt so overwhelmed and shocked by all we went through, all of the sudden changes in our life, and oh yeah, the sleep deprivation. The part that really made it bad was breastfeeding. Aiden was eating so often that I felt like he was permanently attached to my chest, and it was my burden alone. No one else could help when he woke up hungry numerous times overnight. Plus, it was hard to just get the hang of it, and damn, did my nipples hurt!

Pretty much that whole first week, I would cry at the drop of a hat. I remember tearfully telling Jason that although I loved Aiden, I felt guilty that maybe I didn't love him enough. That was because I thought I was supposed to be totally filled with love and sunshine and butterflies. I didn't expect for that tiny voice to creep into my mind that said, "Oh my god... now that we've had this baby, our lives have changed forever. What have we done!" I admit it, I mourned a little bit for our previously carefree lives. I didn't expect that I would curse in the middle of the night when the baby demanded to eat again, just 30 minutes after a feeding. All of that made me question, "Am I am awful mother? What's wrong with me? Why don't I just smile and love every minute of this?"

Finally, I realized. I love my baby, but I don't love every minute of the hard work that goes along with caring for an infant. And THAT IS OKAY! It doesn't mean I adore Aiden any less. But it does mean that I need to ask people for help sometimes, give myself a break, and take care of me, too. Realizing that has been the key to me coming out of that baby blues fog and truly enjoying my first weeks as a mom.

Something else that's helping is my sweet little angel baby. Aiden's learned the difference between day and night! He spends tons of time awake and alert during the day, but at night, he passes out. We have a routine of bathtime and feeding at night, and he generally falls asleep for 4 hours straight after that. Then he'll wake up, eat again, and usually give me another 3 hours or so to sleep. That definitely helps me feel more human! :)

Anyway, things are going great now. Aiden is growing more every day and his little personality is really developing! He loves to look at toys and play in his activity gym. He coos and smiles (and I don't think all of the smiles are from gas)! According to my bathroom scale, he weighs 10 pounds and he's getting these adorable rolls on his chin and thighs! I can't believe he'll be 4 weeks old this Friday... the time is flying!