That work thing again

I'm looking at the calendar and dreading the beginning of August. You see, August is the month in which I am supposed to return to work. And that means leaving my little guy behind, in the care of someone who isn't his mommy.

Back when I was pregnant, I wrote this after I visited a daycare center. Sure, the people seemed nice enough, but something just didn't feel right to me. I cried when I left, and I cried that night when I told Jason about the experience. Even then, the idea of leaving my son with people who didn't know him and love him as much as we did made me uneasy.

Back then, I still resigned myself to the thought that daycare wouldn't be so bad. So many people have their kids in daycare, and they are wonderful, happy, well adjusted children. "We can handle it," I told myself. Especially if my plan worked out. I would talk to my bosses while I was on maternity leave, and propose a reduced schedule that would still allow me to anchor the news every afternoon, but spend the mornings with my baby. Of course it would mean a paycut, but I was ready to make that tradeoff.

I'm a lucky woman, in that things usually go my way. I work hard, establish a plan, and it all usually works out in the end. But not this time. My bosses have essentially refused my proposal, and now it comes down to this: come back to the job you left, and the hours it requires, or likely don't come back at all. That means about 11 hours of daycare per day for Aiden. Essentially we'd wake him up, leave for work, come home, give him a bath, and put him to bed.

I've even considered taking a demotion and not even anchoring anymore... just doing reporting. But as my boss told me yesterday, right now there isn't even a job like that available for me to move into. They also said that they aren't willing to work on this or discuss it anymore until I come back to work. I suppose I thought that I was valuable enough that they would try to work with me a little more, to find a role for me to play that isn't at the expense of my son. But as of now, there aren't any options before me.

The good news is that we could definitely do just fine on Jason's salary alone. So what I am left to ponder is the future of my career. This really isn't about money, but about all the hard work I did to get where I am today. Am I to walk out on all that? But then I look at Aiden and realize it's not just about me anymore. My son is more precious than any career, even if taking a leave of absence for a few years renders me unable to get back on the track I was on.

I've come to the conclusion that, at least for me, the notion of "having it all" is total bullshit. I so admire those moms out there who, either because they have to or want to, can juggle children and career and home and marriage and make it all work. But, for me, I feel deeply that splitting myself in two to be both mother and career woman (at least with the schedule and hours that this job requires) will leave me unsatisfied and unhappy with both halves of my life.

So it comes down to this. I will return to work on my scheduled date in late August. I will leave my son in the care of family members who have so lovingly agreed to re-adjust their lives to care for Aiden for a few weeks. But if we can't come to an agreement that satisfies both my employers and me, I know what I need to do. My little boy is already growing up fast, and I am lucky that I can afford to be there with him as it happens. He's the best job I have ever had, and I can never forget that. Even if the pay comes in snuggles, dirty diapers, and drool. :)